Mother's Day Retreat

After our sad news we had Monday Chris decided that it would be good for us to go out of town, to the beach in particular. Well you never have to twist my arm to go to the beach so I said LET'S GO!! Since I thought this was going to be my first Mother's Day as a mother, with a child in my arms, and it didn't work out that way, Chris thought this would help take my mind off of it. Until we were gone I didn't realize how much we needed that get away. We were able to be gone for 3 wonderful days to Charleston. Being away allowed me to focus on Chris and our relationship. I wasn't doing laundry, cooking dinner, or cleaning. I was just spending time with the man God brought into my life 14 years ago, whom I have had the privilege of being married to for almost 8 years!! It really can't be that long can it?!?!?! I am so thankful that God allowed us the opportunity to get away. You see we had just the right amount of money at this time to be able to go somewhere. That doesn't just happen. God planned it that way.


I have done a lot of thinking over this past week. I know that even though I can not understand why we were so close to having a baby, God knew that this was not the baby He had chosen for our family. Before the unthinkable happened I asked Chris, "If this doesn't work out, why do you think God would have opened so many doors for us to adopt this baby?" His answer was simple, "God wants to know if we are willing to follow Him no matter what." Are we in it for the long haul? Do we continue to honor Him even though we didn't have the result we were hoping for? The answer is YES! Are there times when we get weary? Oh yes!! But God is there to carry us during those times. Just tonight Chris and I were talking about how we know that God is using us to reach others during this time but we are tired of being used. At the same time we agreed that God will give us the strength to make it. One of the verses I have said to myself a lot here lately is Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." God is not a God who sits in Heaven and says, "I wonder how much they can endure?" Even though He knew what was going to happen He has cried tears with us because He doesn't want us to hurt." In Matthew 11:28-30 He says: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” At those moments when I'm not sure I can endure one more heartache or take one more step He says, "You don't have to because I am capable of carrying you through." I am so thankful to serve a God who is willing to carry me when I can not take another step!

Heavy Hearts

Well we got the unthinkable news today... our birth mother has decided to keep the baby. We are very sad but we know that God is not surprised and He has a purpose in all this. This probably began when back in March she announced that she wanted to nurse the baby for two weeks. We all tried to talk her out of this and told her that she was going to bond with the baby and if her true desire was for us to adopt the baby then that was not a good idea. She promised that she knew she couldn't keep the baby and that "God" had told her to do this. Then last week we were given 4 more demands, one was more money, another was that we keep the name she had given him because "God" said he was to be given that name, another was that we would circumcise him (since she couldn't afford it) and another was that we have an open adoption. We agreed to all and even compromised on the name, by saying we would choose the middle name and we would keep the first name that she wanted. She obviously doesn't understand what God is telling her but that is between Him and her.When we given the list of demands we began praying that if God did not want this baby for our family, then He would close the door because we were willing to go until the door closed. We know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we will never look back on this and wonder "what if", God was very clear. We just pray that He would bring the right baby into our family and that it would not involve months more of waiting. Part of us want to say, "God haven't we been through enough already?!?!" But we know that He will use this for His glory and when He does bring OUR baby home it will be more perfect than we could have ever imagined. Please pray for me particularly this weekend. I actually thought that I would be a mommy this weekend and I was excited about celebrating Mother's Day this year. It will be hard to think of how close I was to being a mommy on this holiday. So where does this put us?? God really protected our money in all of this. We could have lost thousands of dollars but we only loose $650. Both her attorney and the director or the adoption center did not want to take our money until she signed the papers due to her lack of consistency. We will talk with our attorney tomorrow to get a more in-depth plan on moving forward.